Holidays for all

Grant, 5, Palm Coast, Florida

While he was riding through a living Nativity event, Grant noted that one exhibit seemed to have nothing to do with Christmas. "Maybe this one is for Kwanzaa," he said.

Hygiene 101

Grant, 5, Palm Coast

In the bathtub, Grant said, "I'm washing under my arms so I don't get any slime in there."

We all learn from our mistakes

Max, 4, Santa Monica, California
In the car on the way to a Chinese restaurant, Max said without prompting, "Rule No. 1: Don't drink the soy sauce."

Oversight committee

Max, 4, Santa Monica, California

A group of kids were playing a game, pretending to be fish. When asked why he was sitting on a stack of chairs and not participating, Max said: "Mom, I'm the lifeguard."

Fugitives

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida

When he was threatened to be left on the side of the road if he didn't behave, Jackson said: "But then I might be adopted by a family that smokes."

Jail break

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast

When he learned some people have tried to smuggle drugs into jail, Jackson said: "You mean the kind of drugs that make you stronger so you can break out? Like Barry Bonds?"

Jack-o-lantern guts

Grant, 5, Palm Coast, Florida

While preparing a jack-o-lantern, Grant said: "Did you know that inside a pumpkin is its puke?"

Prioritize

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida

While tossing a softball with his dad, Jackson said: "I throw with my left hand so I can keep my right hand safe for school stuff. I use my right hand to use my pencil and my scissors and my glue stick."

Cow. It's what's for dinner.

Grant, 5, Palm Coast, Florida

About to order at McDonald's, Grant said with a straight face: "I want a cheeseburger, but with just cheese and cow on it. That's it."

Clean thoughts

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida

Casting aside the cookie cutters, Jackson made his own shape out of the dough. He held up and said, "See? It's a shower head."

A modest proposal

Apparently we're still working on the first chapter

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida

Jackson recently got a children's biography of Ronald Reagan.

Dad: So who was Ronald Reagan?

Jackson: He was a lifeguard who saved more than 50 lives.

Look out below

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida

Do NOT try this at home. Booby trap courtesy of Jackson. The blue sign says, "Pull."

I dub thee King of Smart

Grant, 5, Palm Coast, Florida

"If the Easter Bunny asked me a joke, and I got it on the first try, I would be the King of Smart."

Socio-Pokemonic dissertation?

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida
"Tomorrow can we go to the library and check out some books about The Great Depression and Pokemon?"

The circular logic of life

Lyric, 3, St. Petersburg, Florida

Mom: Why are you crying?
Lyric: Because I'm upset.
Mom: Why are you upset?
Lyric: Because I'm sad.
Mom: Why are you sad?
Lyric: Because I'm crying.

Liver and learn

Grant, 5, Palm Coast, Florida
"You have a belly so when you eat, your food won't fall out."

Candy man

Grant, 5, Palm Coast, Florida
Dad: Have you had any outbursts today?
Grant: Is that like a Starburst?

Snack time: One bite will suffice

Elizabeth, 1, Palm Coast, Florida

Tools of the trade

Grant, 5, Palm Coast, Florida
When his mother said she needed to cut his fingernails, Grant protested, saying: "Then I can't get my boogers out."

Where do I plug in this umbilical cord?

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida
Talking to his mom's friend who just had a baby, Jackson said: "Did he lose his extension cord yet?"

I scream for sharing germs

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida
Fed up with his dad's habits, Jackson left a note on the ice cream: "Do not eat out of container."

How many, many feet you meet

Grant, 4, Palm Coast, Florida
"The kid pool was only two feet deep. No other feets."

Gum shoe

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida
He was caught red-handed sticking his bubble gum under his seat in the bleachers at a baseball game. "It's a foul ball trap," he said.

Or, try turning on a fan.

Grant, 4, Palm Coast
"Sometimes when I get really hot, I take my shirt off and wear naked to bed."

Almost got it ...

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida
After glancing quickly at a book, he was sure the name of the past president was Useless S. Grant.

What goes down must come up

Hayley, 9, Idaho Falls, Idaho
When her brother said at the breakfast table, "I have to bring something up," Hayley replied: "You mean you're going to barf?"

I only pick in private

Max, 4, Santa Monica, California
Max: Mom, don't look at me!
Mom: Why?
Max: Because I'm picking my nose.

Better take a picture before the tide comes in

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida
At the beach, Jackson wrote in huge letters in the sand, "World Record Biggest W." Then he said to his mom, "Well, I want to have a world record in something."

The better to breathe with, my dear...

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida
Asked why he was holding the car door open and not getting in, Jackson said, "I was letting in more molecules."

Did you mean "combat"?

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida
"Boxing is a wombat sport."

Gotta have my Pops

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida
"Imagine if I was made out of Corn Pops? I could lick them whenever I wanted to."

Post bedtime chores

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida
At bedtime, after discussing the day with his dad, Jackson said: "OK, you can go now, if you need to do any chores, like picking up anything I accidentally left on the floor."

Why aren't there any commercials in this game?

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida
Sitting in the fourth row, right behind home plate at a baseball game, Jackson said: "This is just like TV. Except there's a big net in the way."

Does a body good

Matthew, 4, Idaho Falls, Idaho
When asked what he wanted to do while he was sick, Matthew said, "I could sit around."
Clarifying further, he added, "If you put Mario back on the computer, I could sit around playing that."

Freshly squeezed?

Dean, 6, Santa Monica, California
Upon encountering a glass of Tampico, Dean observed: "This smells like fruit, but it doesn't taste like fruit."

On bilingualism

Grant, 4, Palm Coast, Florida
Confused while listening to a Spanish radio station, Grant said, "This sounds like Piglet."

Just like a woman?

Dylan, 3, Vernon, Connecticut
To his father, Dylan said, "Are you a woman or a person?"

Oh, thank heaven, for "yeow" 11

Lyric, 2, St. Petersburg, Florida
When asked to say all the letters in the word, "yellow," Lyric said: "Y, E, eleven, O, W."

If it involves a remote, it might qualify

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida
When asked to provide proof to his claim that soccer is not a sport, Jackson replied, "Because it's not on Wii Sports."

Matt and the Magic Soup

Matthew, 4, Idaho Falls, Idaho
"The thing about soup is that is doesn't look like any is gone when you take a bite."

The dime

A dime slipped out of his mouth and plopped into the urine-filled toilet bowl. To my 4-year-old, it was an impossible dilemma: lose the dime or plunge your hand into the pee.

I told him we should just flush, knowing it likely would remain at the bottom of the bowl; but he wouldn’t take that chance.

He found a strainer from a kitchen cupboard, to scoop it out, but it didn’t work. He said he would use a rag, then, but I talked him out of it. It’s just a dime, I said.

Then we had to do something else, and I forgot about it.

Now, it’s 2 a.m. He’s sleeping on the bottom bunk in the next room, and I see the dime is still there, in the bowl, having survived a few flushings already, just as I thought. I wanted to chuckle, but the memory was heavy, a vision of my son at the toilet bowl, his cowlick, his Velcro shoes, his money pouch rattling, his head in his hands, frowning, staring at the dime.

Slow but steady wins their ace

Grant, 4, Palm Coast, Florida
"I won by a nitch!"

At bedtime, a true father-son memory

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida
Dad: How was your day?
Jackson: I found a little string in the back of my underpants, and I kept pulling and pulling, and now there's a little ball in my underpants.
Dad: Well, we'll have to throw that pair away.
Jackson: Do you want to see it?
Dad: No, thanks.

My kingdom for a Kleenex

Jacob, 4, Tuba City, Arizona
"Mom, you need to buy more tissues so I don't have to keep using my arm."

I think it's actually "Diary"

Grant, 4, Palm Coast, Florida
"I want to read Diarrhea of a Wimpy Kid."

Or ... you might have to be the one to move out

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida

Talking to his parents, Jackson said: "When you guys are older, you're going to have to get a different house because I can't live with you anymore."

... And it hurts

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida
"I feel sorry for bees. When they sting you, they die. But I feel even more sorry for us because we don't get as much honey."

A simile to make you smile and cringe

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida
Answering the question whether his younger brother had had an accident, Jackson said: "My nose is like a snake slithering toward Grant's bottom."

A warm, fuzzy Christmas song

Grant, 4, Palm Coast, Florida
"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ... had some very shiny underwear ... "

On your toe? On your ankle?

Jackson, 7, Palm Coast, Florida
Jackson: I got a red ant bite.
Dad: Where?
Jackson: In the backyard.

Actually, it gets dark every night

Grant, 4, Palm Coast, Florida
Upon walking outside at night, Grant said: "It's dark out here. It's like it's Halloween."

Dinner is served

Matthew, 4, and Hayley, 9, Idaho Falls, Idaho

Even Mother Nature knows whose birthday is coming up

Jackson, 6, Palm Coast, Florida
Two days before Jackson's birthday, we opened the front door in time to see two deer staring at us from a vacant lot across the street. After the deer leaped away, Jackson quietly said, "That was my birthday present from the woods."

Tattle power

Jackson, 6, Palm Coast, Florida
From the playroom, Jackson was overheard chiding his brother for throwing something near his sister.
"Don't do that," Jackson said. "You might hit Ellie, and she doesn't know how to tattle yet."

Water quality check

Grant, 4, Palm Coast, Florida
"This bathwater tastes so good. It tastes like a Christmas tree ornament."

What not to do with an exercise ball

Grant, 4, Palm Coast, Florida

I think she has book worms

Marriage is learning to love the little things

On The Road

You try not to, but you have to move your hips a little to Vanilla Ice

Elizabeth, 1, Palm Coast, Florida

Sabbath observance

Jackson, 6, Palm Coast, Florida
Jackson: Sunday is my favorite day of the week.
Mom: Why is that?
Jackson: Because all the comics are in color.

Letting you know I'm still here

Jackson, 6, Palm Coast, Florida
To his mother, Jackson said: "I didn't kick you much when I was in your tummy. I didn't want to bother you."

I get by with a little help from my Mom

Madeline, 3, Seattle, Washington
"Mom, will you help me put up a 'Be nice, Mom' sign?"

Roll with it

Grant, 4, Palm Coast, Florida
Instead of referring to the bowling ball, Grant said: "I like to call him the bowling guy, since you have to bowl him."

Joke time!

Grant, 4, Palm Coast, Florida
Grant: Do you know how to fold a turtle?
Mom: No, I don't.
Grant: You can't, because they have a shell.

Goes down easy

Kevin, 6, Washington, D.C.
Pointing to a pregnant teacher, Kevin said: "She needs to stop eating. Her tummy is too big."
Another teacher said, "No, she has a baby in there."
Kevin: "She ate a baby?!"

Leaves of three got nothin' on me

Grant, 4, Palm Coast, Florida
"Know what? I touched a poisonous plant, and I didn't die."

Hmm... 40 pounds, 40 inches

Grant, 4, Palm Coast, Florida
Standing on the bathroom scale, Grant said: "I want to see how tall I am."

Whoever smelt it?

Jackson, 6, and Grant, 4, Palm Coast, Florida
Two blocks away from the pizza restaurant, Jackson said: "I'm SO hungry. I can smell the pizza crust from here. It smells SO good."
After a few seconds of silence, Grant said, "Actually, that was my fart."

2D or not 2D

Nathan, 6, Idaho Falls, Idaho
"I'm really glad we're 3D. It would be hard otherwise. I mean, you couldn't even turn your head!"